trapped and the constant prayer.

i feel down. really really down. i sat at the corner of the green painted room and cried silently with loud music coming from the radio. i feel weak. but i know there's still some strength left in within. i can't be like this. i have to be strong and cope with things. but i swear, at times; those times when i sit alone and think, i feel like i'm living someone else's life. i feel empty. no satisfaction. nothing. what i'm doing, its all moving on force. not willingness. i'm not lying. i have no idea how i've been able to reach this level. at this point of patience. at this stage. i pray to Allah every single day, every single prayer, to give kekuatan. all the strength i need to continue living. no, i'm not dying. but i do feel like my life isn't mine. hence, part of me is dead i suppose. whatever i do, its not my wants. i was not asked what i want in life. everything is planned out. master, one of my craving desires, i have to let go; at least for now i hope. the great feeling inside to be independent seems like not accomplished completely. to stand to survive on my own feet seems not possible. at all. to gain from others, is a big no as well. the expectation is unbelievable. the pressure is on. has been ever since i hold the blue scroll on the big stage. the workload is crazy. shorthanded at times, but i thank God for giving me the speed. alhamdulillah syukur. forbidden to enjoy the life after the sun sets. i am after all a six year old child with immaturity and lack of wisdom. i feel stuck. i feel sick to my stomach. fairness is what everybody believes, but equality is something that is amiss. sin is something expected with what my mind tells me to do. urges me. killin me. i am weak. i am flawed. i am human. what do you expect more. how can one be perfect, how can one learn, how can one be wise; without a stumbling block along the way. Ya Allah, i pray to you, after all i am Your slave. give me courage and the strength i need. bring me someone to guide me. please, i need to be free. i desperately need to learn. barely gasping for knowledge. i am sinned. forgive me Ya Allah. . how i wish i could be at the holy land and sujud to You all the time. astaghfirullahalazim. . be strong, woman. you can pull this through. it is not the end of life. patience is what you need. a damn lot of it.

amiin.



12 april 2010
11:32pm